at breakpoint

The past two weeks have been tough for me. The pressure of coming up with a decision whether to accept a job offer or to completely resign from the company took a real toll on me. I was confused more than ever! My soul was stressed, which have manifested in my health as well. I’ve been yelling out to God for help but to no avail—or so I thought. Faith tells me that during this moment, God’s grace did not and would not depart me. However, my anxiety and the turmoil in my head overwhelm me that I cannot think as straight as I should. I am vacillating from one decision to another, which isn’t a good sign.

I wrestled with God for answers. Will I take on the offer? Will I resign? Is this what I really love to do? In which path will be He bless me more? Where will I be completely happy? Amid all these parade of questions, God remained silent. Maybe, the noise inside my head deafens me. My head has been swelling with all the thinking that I have been doing. I felt so helpless with all the power that is in my hands. I have to arrive at a decision. I need to choose. My time is ticking out.

My struggle finally ended on one morning of grace. Rising from bed, without a complete sleep, I headed for the church to say confession and hear mass. I am desperate of God’s grace! I thought, maybe the reason why I can’t seem to hear God is because there is something that block my heart from heeding his call.

I arrived at the chapel right on time. I immediately proceeded to the confessional and bared my sinful self before God. I wept in sorrow and shame for offending God, neglecting myself and hurting others. It was a feat, but God’s love is overwhelming that it conquered my inequities. I clearly felt the Fatherly love of God through the soft but reprimanding words of his priest. His caring words resided in my heart and convicted me to be more faithful in pleasing God. “It is a commitment to stay away from temptation.”, his last words echo in my head. “Find joy in God, above everything else. You’re now whole, strive not to break yourself.” he added before I leave. This reminded me of how the Lord remains steadfast in blessing and loving us despite of our malevolent use of our gift of free will.

Slowly, the Lord is opening up my eyes and ears to what is most important—Him. My choices here on earth are all collateral and non-essential, if I lose sight of Him. I did lose sight of Him and I suffered the consequences. My penance was to attend the ongoing mass and stay away from sin. I stepped out from the confessional liberated. I continued to cry, but this time, it is because of the overwhelming love of God for me. I fet like a little child enveloped in the caring arms of my Father. I am amused of how magnificent and perfect God’s love is—that no matter how big the sin, he’s all ready to forgive. His love is so pure that it casts out even a trace of fear.

My tears still express pain as well. My grueling task of self-discovery isn’t over yet. I still have not reached a decision on my predicament. I continued on listening to the homily of the priest. The Gospel was about people being desperate of God’s healing. I am desperate of God’s healing too! I turned my ears to him, waiting for a word that would answer my questions. Then he said, “We desperately pray for something—each of us. Hold on to that one thing that you have always prayed for. Our God is a God of postponed blessings”. These words fell like crashing glass all over me. God heard my plea and he directed me. Jesus met me at breakpoint! How awesome! My eyes felt warm, and tears uncontrollably well out one after the other. My God is a faithful God! He answered my prayer for direction. I do have something that I have been praying for so dearly. I just now have to hold on and pursue that dream and God will bless me—not shortcuts.

I am still crying until the mass nearly ended. I cried like I never cried before. I did not care whether people stare—this is my moment with my God. I bet it pleases Him to see me run and cry to Him. My tears praise Him, a profession that His grace is more than enough. When the priest concluded the mass, I said a few more prayers of protection and firm guidance, and I walked to work. Peace started to settle in my heart and joy is brimming. I now know what to do. Ü

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