There is glory in agony

I went through my blog and have read a number of entries talking about my law school life, the bar exams and my ardent desire to become a lawyer. I guess, it is really something that my inner self has always cried for. Unfortunately, two attempts didn't prove my efforts to be enough to have my name listed in the Roll of Attorneys. Truth be told, I am getting discouraged and weary. The journey of getting my four-letter title is getting too long and arduous. But I guess this proves that the measure of how much one wants something is the inextinguishable desire to stand up after every fall and the resilience to do whatever it takes just so to reach the goal.

A conversation I recently had with my mom revealed much wisdom to my seeming mishaps. She said, "Wag kang panghinaan ng loob. Tingnan mo na lang ang mga pagsubok na ito na paraan ng Diyos na ipakita sa’yo ang mga bagay na kailangan mong baguhin. Makikita mo, lalabas din ang kalooban ng Diyos sa buhay mo. Alam ko kapag nakalagpas ka dito, mabubuhay ka na sa tunay na success.” (Do not be discouraged. Look at these obstacles as God's way of revealing your weaknesses--things you need to work on. By that, you'll realize the deeper purpose of your life. I know that after you get past this, you'll burst into your way to true success). I have been hearing these words faintly in my heart, but my mom spoke it exactly as I needed to hear. Her words were like a gentle blow of wind that fired my frightened spirit. Isn’t it wonderful how God created parents to really support and guide? In these very rare occasions, I heard my mom speak and her words brought much peace in me. 

For the first time in prayer, I thanked God for the trial and suffering while I was going through it. Normally, I will thank him after, when I have finally got the lesson that the trial wanted to teach me. It’s different now, perhaps, because of the grace of faith that things will surely be better after this. Now, I see glory in agony. My journey to months of toiling for the Bar is beginning once again. With renewed hope, I will embrace each day with extra ounces of commitment, responsibility and passion. For whatever is in store at the end of this road, I open myself to the surprise that awaits—and for whatever it may be, I will wholeheartedly accept. 

live life like eating sashimi

In this entry I will tell you a glimpse of my love affair with sashimi is...and how living life should be likened to it. :)

You see, one of my favorite foods in this world is Shake Sashimi (Raw Salmon).  Eating this Japanese delicacy gives me that exhilarating feeling that no other food can ever give me...and the experience is always, always incomparable.

In a Japanese restaurant, my mouth will start to water as I tell the waiter my order of salmon sashimi. After which, my thoughts will begin longing about it. The moment it's served, my eyes widen with excitement and much joy seeing how orange it is. Then, as soon as my chopsticks holds on my salmon, I will begin to feel fuzzy and giddy inside. The moment I put it in my mouth, there is a stillness that would envelope me and suddenly my whole being explodes in excitement and extreme happiness. I would always, always chew my salmon slowly and reflectively. All my senses are directed to it that is why I savor every little bit of it even if I always catch myself close my eyes as I do this. In that short period of time, I have nothing else in mind nor was there anything else that matters, except my sashimi.

Today, in the fourth installment of the series A Life of No Regrets, Bro. Bo speaks about NO RUSH. He said that life should be lived enjoying the present moment without being haunted by the past nor anxious of the future. Because your now is a gift from God--He has blessed you with now and all you have to do is enjoy every bit of it. Whether it may be a prize or a pain which is in front of you, it is God's blessing. Hence, we should not hurry on letting it just go by unnoticed. Deliberate living. Deliberate appreciation of life. :)

I savor my sashimi. Perhaps, I now know how I should be savoring my life. :)

Current Songs: I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith and Simple Things by Jim Brickman and Rebecca Lynn Howard

note to self: say this more often

love, love, love! v.1

Although, I am not really a fan of Valentine's day, I am sort of joining the bandwagon in sharing my thoughts, experiences and reflections on love. Let us all enjoy this special day, but most importantly, let's learn to share love everyday. 

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"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear"- 1 John 4:18 


There was a chapter in my life that I was in deep desolation. I was searching for answers to  the questions that swirl in my head. My past was catching up on me then. I was insecure, uncertain and fears crept in my heart. I felt lost. I felt disconnected inside. I was a ball of darkness bouncing without direction in this tepid world. 

My heart seeks to be satisfied. I knew I had more than what I needed. Yet, it felt that there must be something that I am missing. Surely, there is something.  I cried to God in prayer, without really knowing what to ask for. Days passed. Weeks came. Months turned in and out. 

"When love takes you in, everything changes. A miracles starts with the beat of a heart. When love takes you home and says you belong here, the loneliness ends and a new life begins..."

Friends and family like angels flew to me, consoled me and accepted me for just who I have become. Initially, I did not heed, sometimes I'd even  deliberately run away or resist. Little by little, as their love for me trickled in my famished heart, I begin to open myself to healing and loving. 

It was then, I found another meaning of love: acceptance and forgiveness. I realized that in true love one need not pretend, instead one must just be humble enough to show his real self to the people who loves him. Love is the unveiling of self.  I learned that true love is felt only when the true selves are allowed to share that love. It  is definitely a risk, but a risk surely worth taking.

I now know that I am a different person not only because of the pains I went through, but because of the enormous love of the people around me. The more I take in love, the more that my fears start to dissipate, because I have nothing more to hide, nothing more to fear.  I felt secure in the fact that most people may not like me, but there are a handful that loves me. More importantly, I am confident that even these imperfect people fail in loving me, there is a God who loves me perfectly and faithfully, without conditions, without end. 


*** texts in italics is from the song, "When love takes you in" by Steven Curtis Chapman

a strong sunshine is coming out

I would like to share today's reflection on Didache (A Catholic Reflection Guide published by Shepherds Voice Publication). It was written by George Gabriel, who also happened to be part of the singles ministry I am with now. It somehow described how I am feeling, especially now that I just finished a battery of tests for my (hopefully) last semester in law school. The following text is be the complete reflection (highlight in purple mine):

NATURE

 

… if only we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. – Romans 8:17

 

I like what my friend Dinah once told me. “I woke up to the rain but then when I saw that it stopped and it became really foggy, I knew we’d have good weather,” she said. “Usually when it gets really foggy in the morning, to the point of zero visibility, strong sunshine comes after that. Don’t know if there is a scientific explanation but it’s always been like that here.” She’s based in New Zealand.

She knew, for sure, that good weather would follow. Why? It’s nature. I love how God communicates His love for us through it — through the natural occurrences of life. There was a time when I was so heartbroken and depressed. My darkness had blocked out God’s light and I couldn’t see His purpose for allowing me to experience that situation. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning to the same pain. I didn’t see the point of living another day. But after that point of zero visibility, the sun came out. I made it through. The Lord healed me and raised me up from my suffering to experience His glory once again.

Scientific explanation?

God is faithful.

And we can depend on it… because it’s His nature. George Gabriel

 

REFLECTION:

Just because the sun isn’t shining doesn’t mean it’s not there.

 

In the midst of the storm, I will be still and know You are God.

How comforting and assuring that after the rain, when all around you becomes foggy, the sun will surely be peeking out. After last night's examination in Civil Law Review 2, I knew the rain stopped, but a huge area of fog enveloped me. A tinge of doubt seeped into my heart. Would God allow me to graduate? 

Amid the voices that I hear inside my head, my soul rested on the truth that God is faithful and He makes all things work for those who love Him. My heart knows that God never fails His children. For whatever His answer will be, I know that it'll be for the best. All I need to do now is rest in His love and cast all my cares on Him. 

One big THANK YOU.

I just turned twenty-something last Saturday, and up to now I am very much grateful. I knew that day how much the Lord loves me through the people who made it extra special.

I appreciate all those you greeted me through SMS and FB wall. People whom I haven't heard from in months remembered and I really, really appreciated that. Although, I had class in the morning (to which I arrived late because prayers are already being said), I was happy to spend half of my day with Fr. Jocis and the rest of the AMOE volunteers. My classmates gave me little presents, some brought in food for us to share. I love the cake! :) Am happy they loved the food I brought also.

After class, I immediately went straight to Megatent in Ortigas for SE6 Reunion. Funny thing though, the theme the class chose was children's birthday party. We had the works--balloons, party hats, children's songs, loads of games and children's party food! I remembered as I child I always wished for balloons during parties. I was happy spending the other half of the day to my Single's family. They gave me a huge birthday card and lots of blessings. I just have to leave early because Zeny was demanding I'd meet her. So, off I went.

Zeny told me we'll see a movie and eat dinner. Ok, I said, still quite clueless of who will be joining us. At around, almost 8 in the evening, she picked me from home. (with Kathleen). She drove to her condo. Still puzzled why we have to go there because, I thought if we will see a movie, we might miss even the last full show. Nevertheless, I kept quiet and stopped fretting in my head. I felt that having two of my "sisters" around is much more fun than movie or whatever. As Kathleen was telling her stories and I was intently listening while we are entering Zen' unit, I was really surprised to see Roan, Sheldon, Mik, and Gen as the lights were turned on. They prepared a little feast for us to share! As if to top the ice cream with cherry, I received the a gift I secretly asked God days before: A bouquet of flowers! I was utterly speechless and I even caught my self jumping! We had simple food and I had to blow another candle on a cake. It's another cranium night. Fr. Deng called and made the surprise more fun. I had to go home at 4am.

Surely, my birthday was fabulous! It was filled with much love from the people very dear to me. I remember asking myself, what good must I have done to have deserved such shower of love. Then, I was sure it was grace--something freely given; something not worked for. Perhaps, I am now ready to receive undeserved love. I do not refuse nor resist. I just opened my arms and accepted what was given to me for I knew immediately that it was Jesus who was showing me how much He loves me, through this people whom I share my love for Him.

To my friends, thank you for allowing yourselves to be God's conduit of sweetest blessings. More than the gifts and the surprises (which I appreciate a lot), you are my presents wrapped neatly in different shapes and sizes. :) Pray with me that we'll share more of God's goodness as I walk through another chapter of my life.

emulating mother teresa

The Final Analysis Prayer

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

kate hit it

Pagpaparaya.

26 August 2009

On hindsight, I realized, Pagpaparaya is equivalent to Pagpapatawad. There is really much of forgiving to do in this world. Well, I am certain in my heart, I have forgiven and I have let go. :)

what dreams may come

I just read Kate's blog about dreams--being her night visions in her sleep and those which he envisions to be and have. And so this blog entry.

Last night, Dee and I were texting about stuff that are happening with our lives. (See, we talk a lot. Partida pa yan, kasi magkasama pa kami nung gabi. Hahaha!) In one of her replies in my seemingly provoking comments, she said: "Faith, I am a woman who also gets what I want.... Lalalalala." To which, I asked myself, "Ikaw Faith, are you getting what you want? What is it that you really want?" I intimated these thoughts to Dee, and of course she returned the question back to me. I had a seemingly precise answer, although deep within I know it wasn't the summation of my desire. Perhaps, I didn't feel the sense of certainty with my reply.

I know what I want in certain areas of my life. I know that I want to become a lawyer, have more than enough money for security and comfort. I want to have a loving husband and adorable kids as well. I also want to help others. The Mother Teresa in me kicks in too, y'know? I do dream to see the Philippines rise above the ashes that we dig for ourselves. Nevertheless, it's like having a picture in puzzle pieces and such puzzle pieces aren't found just yet. At this point, everything else is seen in mist. As if am staring at an unfinished painting, and after completing it, soon I'll be stepping into it.

I will quote the Bible passage commented by Kate's friend:

"Write the vision
And make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry.
Behold the proud,
His soul is not upright in him;
But the just shall live by his faith." (Habakkuk 2:2-4)

Indeed, dreams do have to be clear for you to have it. Hold it in your head and soon you'll hold it in your hand. Whether it's gonna be a long before it comes, it is still gonna come. It's the resilience of holding unto it. Whether it is a test of how bad you want it to happen or a weeding out of fleeting whims, nevertheless we should not lose faith.

This is such an inspiring morning.