leafing another page of this so-called life

I just gave my blog a new face lift. Apart from using the new photos which I got from a pseudo photo shoot, I just felt that I needed to do something new. No, not really like something BIG-new. Just a little tinkering on what is already existing. 

This morning, I woke up with a smile on my face. Not literal though, but I did feel that I was in a happy space. "The storm is finally over.", I told myself. I get the nice feeling I have when the sun comes out after days of heavy rain. 

I am loved. I am enough. I deserve. These were the words that rang in my head. I guess, I have finally and completely moved forward from all the failures I had in the past and this is the point when I realized how resilient I am to keep on standing up no matter what. Perhaps, I also came to the point of embracing the power of my dreams--of being a lawyer, finding the right man for me and serving my family among others---and just surrendering to the love I have for these. Now, I realize how great is my power to create the things that I want. (Hahaha! Now, I am thinking: Is this really an effect of being on a brink of a phase of life).

Now, I am excited to tumble, soar and celebrate the time of my life. 

moving back home or moving out?

Recently, my mom decided that we'll have to leave this apartment that we're staying in to go "home". It was Bar month when she declared that so I did not pay too much attention until she asked me to pack my things the second Monday after the last Sunday of the Bar exams. Initially, I was in a quandary as to what must be difficult. Was it the packing or the thought of leaving? It was too damn hard. It was painful that I had to cry (and tell you it wasn't your moviel-like crying. It was your ugly crying. Really.) Until I started putting my law books in the boxes. I realized it was the whole idea of leaving. See, I never knew any other home for 27 years except this apartment. Yes, we do own the house there in Cavite, but I never lived there. I sleep there but I never actually lived there. This apartment was my home. This is where I grew up. This is where my childhood memories are made. This is where my heart will always be.

I would always complain how noisy my neighbors are or how easy the streets would get flooded with a few minutes of hard rain when in fact the whole Manila is dry. I never thought (or appreciate) how accessible my place is to any point of Manila.  I forgot how almost all my friends hung out here after classes or have spontaneous overnights. I never thought how much this place is a part of me. 

(Boo, this is getting to melodramatic. Forgive me, people) 

Good byes aren't for me. I am not good at it. Always. I hope I'll learn to settle in my new house...then maybe later, I can find my own home. Somewhere, I can really call mine. :) Then, maybe then, it'll be less difficult.

footprints

In our lives there are people who just pass by and some choose to stay. But whether they simply walked through or they decided to journey with us, they definitely leave indelible footprints which will forever remain.

To you: Hope this isn’t too much to say: Thank you for coming into my life. I am not sure if you are simply passing by or you’re going to stay, but real thanks for helping me decide to be fearless again lest be happy for I deserve it. Holding this happiness inside will keep me moving forward. Thank you. With all that had transpired I just want you to know that I was able to see the heart. May not have been perfect...but little as it is, you’ve done a lot.

this heart is ready to love again

Dear You,

It's been more than 18 months since you walked away and left me all messed up. I knew you would have wanted to escape unscathed but you were left with no other choice but to explain with those empty, silly words when I decided we need to have a face off. You knew I will never let you run away without it hearing from the horse's mouth. You crushed my heart and you tried to take away my faith. I just have to say you failed.

I have let you go. I have learned to love you less. In fact, I do not love you anymore. I have moved on. I have soared and the view from up here is fantastic--the skies, the trees, the flowers are all in a different hue; the birds are chirping and the wind is blowing cold. The people I've met are warm and caring. Yes, am happy with where I am right now. I think I did a good job of rebuilding my life without you.

Although sometimes the clouds still hover me and the temporary darkness illuminates your shadow. I hate it. You've really conquered my soul and I hate it. Your shadow reminds me of how much I've trusted and was betrayed; how I loved and was hurt. Your shadow can be crippling but I strived. And I have strived badly enough, I realize that I am now shining and I am shining bright to dispel your creeping darkness. Yes, I again possess this light you once put off. Yes, the same light that attracted you--even brighter.

Am completely free and I'm ready to love again.

reaching the end of the rope

Have you ever felt that feeling when you seemed to have actually let go? When you have finally succumbed to fate? When you are at peace with yourself knowing that whatever happens, things are just gonna work out for the good?

Liberating, isn't it? =)

a sense of belonging

I dropped by my former school's campus after a cup of coffee with some officemates. There has actually been a lot that has changed--more commercial establishments, new buildings, and faces I barely recognize. Basically, everything new, except for the memories that I kept. There wasn't any sting of nostalia whatsoever, but I just realized how I seem not to fit in it anymore. For the first time, it dawned to me that I no longer belong here. Even if the environment still seems to welcome me, I knew I should be somewhere else. Finally, I have grown from the school girl that I was to a more mature woman that I am now.

I have practically grown up in UST, not mention I was born there. And even though I deny it, it has shaped me who I am. Am proud to be Thomasian and a Dominican at that. However, a year of being detached from "home", gave me new eyes to see with--a new sense of being. My experience outside the confined walls of my alma mater gave me a broader vision of things, which made me appreciate life better. I realized that life is sweeter when you dare to taste it's bitterness; that when you dare what you think weakens you, you eventually becomes strong; that strangers can be nicer than I had perceived them to be. When I sent myself out of the shelter of my university campus, it meant a great deal to me. I was REALLY out of it. All these years, I thought that life is all about my university and what's happening in it . I failed to see what is beyond. I failed to see reality. All these years, my university life was reality--a reality which I kept so dear, that I actually do not want to let go of. Memories that I relieve now and ever. However, in life, everything just keeps on changing. I was afraid, but I knew my visit tonight assured me that I am ready to move out there. UST is sending me out with all its blessings, knowing that I was groomed to be great, because she prepared me to be one. I hope not to fail her.

I knew that I belonged in the school I practically lived in. But now, I realized I belong to a bigger world. Much more than the perimeter of my university campus. I now am growing up.

moving out...and on

Parting is always hard.

When I finally decided that I would be leaving the company, I suddenly realized how I've actually forged relationships with several people. With this realization, leaving start to become bittersweet.

The thought of leaving behind newly made friendships creates some form of nostalgia. Yes, I grew roots here and it still pains to pull myself out However, fulfilling a dream is more important for me than anything else. I guess, this is something I owe to myself.

The thought of counting days and sharing experiences together, just seem to be more of a challenge this time. I just hope that in spite of the distance, as regards time and space, we'll manage through. I really hope.

The trade-offs of life can be very interesting.