this heart is ready to love again

Dear You,

It's been more than 18 months since you walked away and left me all messed up. I knew you would have wanted to escape unscathed but you were left with no other choice but to explain with those empty, silly words when I decided we need to have a face off. You knew I will never let you run away without it hearing from the horse's mouth. You crushed my heart and you tried to take away my faith. I just have to say you failed.

I have let you go. I have learned to love you less. In fact, I do not love you anymore. I have moved on. I have soared and the view from up here is fantastic--the skies, the trees, the flowers are all in a different hue; the birds are chirping and the wind is blowing cold. The people I've met are warm and caring. Yes, am happy with where I am right now. I think I did a good job of rebuilding my life without you.

Although sometimes the clouds still hover me and the temporary darkness illuminates your shadow. I hate it. You've really conquered my soul and I hate it. Your shadow reminds me of how much I've trusted and was betrayed; how I loved and was hurt. Your shadow can be crippling but I strived. And I have strived badly enough, I realize that I am now shining and I am shining bright to dispel your creeping darkness. Yes, I again possess this light you once put off. Yes, the same light that attracted you--even brighter.

Am completely free and I'm ready to love again.


Charisse said...

That was just beautiful, faith. :0) You make me believe. I would also like to share a story that perhaps you can look at it with this entry on the same light. :0)

Charles Cooke writes of a conversation between a man and God. What he says expresses the feelings of a lot of people. It goes like this; "I've seen a number of movies lately, Lord, like Romeo and Juliet. The love of young people, at least in the movies, is uncomplicated. They seem so natural, so free in their feelings. I wish I could be like that, Lord.
"But I Can't be. I've been hurt, Lord. I have trusted and been betrayed at too many times. I have loved and received nothing in return. I have tried hard to care and failed--often. I have shared secrets and heard them whispered to others. I have asked for forgiveness and heard no response. I have been flattered, by meaningless words. I have been warm and received a cold shoulder. I've been through it, Lord. I've fallen on my face. I've banged my shins. I had knives twisted in my back. I've been bruised. Look, Lord, I'm all covered with so many scars."

And then the Lord speaks: "Maybe you haven't understood enough. Maybe you haven't learned that human life is like that. All saints are scarred people. I know that many people stop loving so they won't get hurt again, but those people who do start over again, who continue in spite of all, who leave themselves open to the possibility of being hurt again, these people are able to love in a deeper way, a more understanding way, a richer way..."

The man ponders the words of God and says, "I think I know what you mean, Lord. I've met people like that--and knowing them gives me courage. The great people on earth are those who continue to love with all their scars. I like scarred people, Lord. They are beautiful..."

Through our failures, we will learn patience, through rebuffs, we will learn to compromise, and through suffering, we will learn compassion, we partake of Christ's suffering. The crushed flower is the most fragrant, and a rose without thorns is really no rose at all.

Love you faith, I'm just here :0)

jishinka said...

Thanks char! Nice story, eh. I remember the episode in Grey's Anatomy: Meredith being damaged and scared. Hehe!

We should never give up on moving on and loving no matter how hard the beating was. That I have learned and appreciated.

Looking forward to more for the two of us, sari. (remember, i used to call you that?)