a bit grown

If I have learned to love, don't ask why. I too do not understand. My mind is weary of figuring things out. And I have succumbed to let it rest. Whether this is right or am committing a mistake, I do not care. What matters is am at peace with myself. I have known. I am glad I've known. I'm still fierce. Not so afraid anymore.

Loving as I have finally grasped is not about who and why, or how.

Or maybe it is still a choice. I chose to accept that I felt.

I am happy. I felt I've grown. I think, I have.

juego de anillo

Dear Pa,

Em and I were looking for some photos for display earlier when I found these old photos. These were taken during the Family Day when I was in Prep. We had our field demonstration which I hated then because of the heat. But I was happy to have you and Mom there present to watch me perform. Moreso, I get to join most of the games that time because I had both a mom and a dad to play with.

I remember how much I wanted to join "Juego de Anillo" that morning. It was a game exclusively for kids and dads. I didn't even know what the rules of this game were, but it sounded very peculiar to me, so I thought it might be interesting. I think you knew that I wanted to play this one, because even before I asked, you already invited me to join. I remember you saying, "Tara, Pache, sali tayo!". You were very giddy, much more than I was. I loved you more for that. You were the bestest Papa then (and you still are). I wasn't sure what was it that you saw that you seemed to be sure I wanted to play. Was it a certain look? Did you read my body language? Or is there really a language only fathers and daughters understand? I don't know. But I was thankful you asked.

As you placed me on your shoulders, I was getting more excited. (Now, I am sure that I tend to hide my emotions. I remember I was also very giddy then, but I refused to show. Hahaha!) I could hear you shouting out our strategy on how we're gonna get the ring with the unsharpened pencil in the hand. Initially, when the rules were said my excited diminished and slowly I had doubts on whether I can string the ring. I was afraid I might not perform what I was supposed to do. I was worried I might disappoint you. But in the middle of the noise all around us, I heard you say "Kaya mo yan, Pache! Kaya naten to! Focus ka lang sa ring." Then I was so sure we are gonna win. "Sabi mo, Pa e!"

When I heard the cue to start, you started running towards the ring. I was in fighting form. I did everything just as you told me. Most importantly, I did not lose sight of our goal. You performed your part well (the running) and I knew that I have to do mine well too. I told myself, "We have to win. i cannot disappoint Papa."

And we did!

We did it and I was so happy!. Look at my Kodak moment shot! Ninong Noel did a good one on this. Look at how proud I was. I knew I did well, but I was even more proud because that time I felt I was the only kid whose Papa was intensely into the game as I am. We were a team then, and I knew you also wanted to win because it's gonna make me happy. I felt everyone else was starting when we shouted that we won! I was enjoying the stares then, because they are staring at me while am on my Papa's shoulders. He made me win. He did this more than I.

Thanks so much for that glorious moment. These pictures reminded me of how much you have supported me in the things I have wanted. I've always knew that my heart sends you signals that helps me tell you its secret wishes. And you never failed me. O yes, there are times you also have disappointed me by not acceding to my whims, but in the end I always get the best I can possibly have. Thank you for showing me immeasurable love. You are the greatest!ü

I miss you.

Hugs,

Faith

There is a welling emotion in my chest. It's a familiar feeling but I do not want to name it. It feels like fear mixed with terror.

Oh, yes. I am terrified.

I do not want to let go of my sunny and bright attitude. But every time, I touch the core of me, I freak out!

Am scared. So scared.

Maybe it's just a ghost I have created. Or maybe it is a ghost of the past. I do not know. Still I am scared.

breathe

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

irony

If life is made up of changing seasons, why do we work for permanence?

de-stressed

Sembreak is ticking out. Soon, I will be romancing with law books all over again. My four-week break (I didn't realize it was that long) was sooo good. I was able get lots of sleep and good food (oh, i did earned some pounds, hay) . I met up with old friends. I was able to finish Grey's Anatomy Season 3 (I love Preston Burke and I see myself in Cristina Yang.) I also started with House (that is, literally started: Episode 1.) I've read a lot of non-law books. And I also went to... BICOL.

Mayon Volcano at 10am on our way to Tabaco, Albay.
The view was better at 6 am, no clouds then.
But the view from the hotel isn't very good for photo taking.

This Bicol trip is supposed to be a business trip but at the same time I took the opportunity to commune with nature. The trip was tiringly long. Ten hours by land. I've slept all that I can sleep. I even tried reading on a moving vehicle (which I know isn't right or I'll continue ruining my eyes.) But I loved the stillness of the greens we are passing by on the road. Nothing like the city that I have grown accustomed with. I needed a breather and thank God I had it.

I've been to several places in the Bicolandia--Daet (in Camarines Norte) , Naga and Pili (in Camarines Sur), Legaspi, Daraga and Tabako (in Albay). For the first time, I have seen the magnificent Mayon Volcano. As the locals would say, if you have seen it's glory without any clouds covering it at least at the moment you came, the volcano is welcoming you to the place. I am welcomed.ü The food was excellent! We had our servings of Lato (seaweeds), Bicol Express, and Pangat (Laing).

Stress, I have learned is a word that is originally used in engineering. It pertains to the maximum weight that a steel can take. And now we use that to describe the pressures of human beings. I have realized that city life stressed me much and good thing my Bicol experience softened me a bit. This sembreak de-stressed me. And it is good. Very good. I had my good friends with me in the Bicol trip too, which spiced the whole thing. Plus the extra money on our pockets.ü

Juris, Faith and Dee as we arrived in Naga City.

Am ready for another sem closer to the bar.