focus on your dreams

"Hi there! Classes are starting June 9.", the text message from my classmate in Legal Forms read. I just learned over lunch that school is starting this Saturday. All this time, I am actually expecting it's going to be next week. Well, guess it's a way of cutting short my anticipation for it. Hehe! I am raving about going back to school though I have a packed full-week schedule. It's gonna be tough but surely its going to be fun as well.

I can hear myself: "Another sem closer to the dream..." This statement thrills me, tell you. It's sending chills down my spine just like when I first entered law school. That statement seems like prophecy and so I want to believe. =)

During my time off, I have been of course, resting and at the same time preparing myself for the demands of law school altogether. In one of the many conversations I had with myself, I remember advising me: "Faith, focus. Just focus, that will spell the difference. Patience and perseverance are a given, but most importantly FOCUS."

For the past two months, after I left Philam and realized how it actually felt to not receive a paycheck every end of the month, I started sending out resumes to A LOT of companies and law firms with the prayer that I get employed by any of them. Some replied. Some scheduled me for interview. I thought I'd gonna be hired by a couple of them. Bottom line: None of them hired me.

I never had any problems with getting a job or bumping into opportunities. I am confident of my qualifications and skills but for one reason or another, I end up not getting the job offers. I let the blow pass perhaps because I take these as practical signs that I am made for something else. That am actually entering a season of preparation for the real thing. =) I take these turnout of events as God's answers to my long time prayer of becoming a lawyer. Guess, it's a way of telling me to focus on what is important this time.

Paulo Coelho perfectly worded it in his novel, The Alchemist: "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." The irony of not getting something is actually getting what you've always wanted.

i've got a crush on you

Yes. He's Michael Scofield of Prison Break. Wentworth Miller offscreen. The first time I saw him on Suspense Channel, he caught my attention. I rarely have crush on people and tell you it sticks. Yay! =) Am having butterflies in my stomach. Yiheee....

it's all about love

In one of Bo Sanchez's talks in The Feast, he talked about the three God-given desires: 1) the desire to live (the desire for protection, provision, survival), 2) the desire to be loved (need to be accepted, loved and that sense of belonging) and 3) the desire to love (the need for a purpose).

In illustrating the second desire further, he said that in case such desire is not fulfilled or not fully met, people tend to look for that love elsewhere. When people who are supposed to give that love are still unavailable, oftentimes, we turn to subtitutes which are not healthy for our emotional well-being. This may come in unlimited forms--drugs, smoking, liquor, sex, shopping, etc. These things serve as an anesthesia for the gaping pain inside--a form of escape. Worse, it may even lead to addiction.

Unfortunately, each of us is attached to one thing or another in order to survive the malnutrition of our hearts. We all miss the point that we are hoping on something that is but a temporary. The good news, however, is that we can get free and be really happy and whole.

It's all about love.

We bend on the fleeting things because of the scarcity of love in our lives, perhaps from our imperfect parents, our abrasive brothers and sister, our critical friends, or just whoever have came past our lives that has hurt us. To cure this, let us learn to fill our lives with healthy, good quality love. Receive the love from the people around us who truly care. Give yourself the permission to love yourself. And most of all open yourself up in the bounty of God's immense love.

I figured it out: It's really all about love.

Maybe, just maybe, when we realized this, we will all be whole and the world will be a better place to live in. =)

reaching the end of the rope

Have you ever felt that feeling when you seemed to have actually let go? When you have finally succumbed to fate? When you are at peace with yourself knowing that whatever happens, things are just gonna work out for the good?

Liberating, isn't it? =)

...

Writing has always been a passion.
But sometimes words can be elusive.

shrek the third

shifting sand

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And every day I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I'm feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they're so mysterious

And like a consumer I've been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my 15 minutes of faith,
Then I'd be secure

(Chorus)
My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I've begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leperous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much
I explained it away

Chorus

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith, it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It'd been there all the time

(Chorus repeated)
Stand on grace

i casted my ballot

Yes, I exercised my right of suffrage.

Most of the people I know did not even bothered going to the polling precints to exercise their rights to vote. I am not sure if they are just nonchalant or they have just grown to be completely frustrated with the Philippine political system. I am saddened about this truth.

Yes, I do too abhor the filth of Philippine politics. I hate hypocrisy, betrayal and the ruthless taking advantage the people whom we have entrusted our country’s affairs to. I may have lost faith on this people, but my faith in Democracy is still alive. Being a citizen of a Democratic country, I am aware of the power of my ballot. By casting my ballot, I am exercising my power to change the people in government which will eventually change my future and that of my children and grandchildren. Yes, the choices may be limited, but we still have choices. The gamut of problems we face today have grown overtime and we cannot provide a solution for it overnight. We simply have to inject a little change here and there, and soon Philippines will be fine.

The right of suffrage is an attribute of sovereignty which resides in the people and entitles them to have a direct participation in government. Most people fail to recognize that in Democracy it is the people who can actually dictate the affairs of its government. It is us who will create the future of our country. We only have to discern wisely who are worthy enough to lend our rights to and govern the affairs of the nation. Spiderman puts it very well: “With great power, comes great responsibility”. The power of shaping the course of our mother land is in our hands, our responsibility is putting the people we think have the heart to serve and redeem our country from the pits of shame and poverty. If we think the choices are not good enough, then let us simply not write their names in our ballots, but at least we safeguarded our rights against those who intend to use them for selfish reasons.

If in any case, we made a mistake in our choices, we too have the power to remove them in office. We have successfully done that through the years—ejecting the Spaniards, the Americans, the Japanese, Ferdinand Marcos, and even Joseph Estrada. The power to choose includes the power to remove. We are powerful beyond our imaginations, my countrymen. I don't mean whimsical replacement, but that which is wise and careful--just as we have chosen.

The indelible ink on my forefinger signifies the indelible mark of my being a Filipino.

Filipinos, let us take charge. Let us claim our sovereignty. Let us claim our rights to meddle in the affairs of our society. Let play part rather than relentlessly complain.

text message

" If people can't accept you at your worst,
then they don 't deserve you at your best"

from meredith grey

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

I agree. =)

heart matters

I am still elated from spending a night out with a special friend. I know that the feeling will later subside, but I will definitely keep it in my heart.

Sometimes, the things wish for does not seem to come. However, life can surprise us with little things that we have not really asked for. Those little things that are sweet and mean a lot.

I think I have learned the importance of living a moment. I think bit by bit I am learning to appreciate things simply as they come. Besides, life never gave guarantees. We are only left to hope that life will be good to us. Hope, yet do not expect.

someone to watch over me

There's a somebody I'm longin' to see
I hope that he, turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could, always be good
To one who'll watch over me

He may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

my idea of heaven

I'll wait for the day I'll sing this. I'll wait for that person to whom i'll sing it to.
Maybe, on my wedding day...Why not,eh? :) (Did I just say that?..Ahmp!)

You (yes,you!), come find me.
Dare. I might just dare back.

obiter dictum

Obiter Dictum - Latin for a statement "said by the way"; a remark or observation made by a judge that, although included in the body of the court's opinion, does not form a necessary part of the court's decision.

Earlier tonight I had my first "actual" class in Torts and Damages. When I said "actual" class, it meant a normal class meeting for law students where their professors terrorize them with lots of questions, quizzing into what they have read and understand about the subject matter discussed. Once one's name is called for individual recitation, he or she is expected to answer them fairly, if not excellently. For a law student this phenomena may cause heart palpitations, occassional irregular heartbeats, increase in blood pressure, panic, hyperventilation, nausea and the like. ( I am exaggerating on some of those...Hehe) Immunization doesn't seem to be possible but frequent exposure can lessen the abovementioned side effects. I agree with this system though. It is as a gauge of how one has understood the subject matter and more importantly, through this one develops the skill to think on his/her toes and express her thoughts clearly. It likewise forces the student to study. Personally, the feeling can became very addictive. It hit me...tell you!

Well, that isn't really my topic for my blog. I am actually living by my title tonight. Hehe.

During the later part of the meeting, my professor started discussing the bar exams and the preparations for it. It was way off the discussion on negligence and proximate causes. But it was something I welcomed. Yes, we're still quite afar from finishing our JD degree but I agree when he said that bar preparations actually start the moment you first step on the portals of your law school. It's a long tedious process of reaching a dream. I was actually inspired on how he seemed to be very passionate about seeing, much more believing that we too can cross the bridge. He reminded us about focus and how to watch out for the pitfalls. He expounded that one earns his place in the roll of attorneys by hard work and God's grace and mercy. I understand these more than anything, since I had my shareof lessons on it. However, it is good to be reminded every now and then. :)

Perhaps the bar fever is still high since the list of new lawyers have just been recently released by the Supreme Court. Congratulations, new lawyers. I look up to you. Or also this is because the graduates of Batch 2007 are starting their review classes in preparation for the Bar Exams on September. (Good luck, guys!)

Bar and Torts may be off beat. However, just like in several decisions of the courts, discussions which may actually seem to be irrelevant to your case at hand, may actually illustrate and pin a point.

Sir, your obiter did. :)

missing the mountains

Scaling mountains is a feat but I love it, tell you! The last time I was atop one was more than a year. I usually take this time to reflect as I take each step up.

Haayy... I wonder when will I get to climb another grand land mass.

mt.pulag, benguet; feb 2006

atop mt. pulag @ around 7a

mt. batulao, batangas; january 2006

first day high

I just came from my first class for summer. Am back in law school! Yahoo! This is definitely thrilling me. I know it's gonna be hard as always but I every day that pass brings me closer to my dream.

I pray that for wisom and discipline. I know with that plus tons of hard work, I will get through.

Can't wait to work on my case digests...Hehe! (",)

excited divers goofing at starbux

faith walk

Today is Good Friday. As Catholics, we observed the remembrance of the Death of Jesus on the cross as His loving act of saving the whole mankind from sin. This is the greatest expression of God’s love showing each human person that He is willing to do anything even meet death for His love for each of us.

Yearly, I take this opportunity to have my personal retreat. I take some quiet time to reflect on where I am in life and to where I am headed. I look at the condition of my life and my heart. I speak to Jesus baring everything that is inside my heart and mind.

This is year is no different except for the fact that I get to meet my real self. For the previous years, I offer God highfaluting words which I thought express my worship and love. My faith was all in my head and I refused to be real before Him. But my God is patient, that even if he knew that I wasn’t presenting my real self He still meets me halfway.

My reflections this Lenten Season posed to me a harder challenge—that is to have a good look at my real self, and accept me with all its imperfections. Jesus have handed me a mirror for me to look at what is really beneath the surface I project. My heart is torn to know my real state! All these years, I know that I have been running away from the imperfections of myself. I suffered from the fear of rejection from others, thus, I cannot face the fact that I too cannot accept the person that I am.

I know that Jesus loves me, in spite of all my sins and weaknesses. I heard that Jesus still loves even those who are unlovable because He sees the beauty in each of us. I have seen Him accept those who were condemned. My walk of faith is feeble—I pray for more faith. More than that, I pray that I too learn to love myself just as Jesus does.

one lingering question

am i trying too hard?

san diego-alfonso nuptial

Two souls parted with those two words again--Trixie and Francis. As the wedding rite is being celebrated, I ask Berna, who was then seating beside me "How do you know if the person you're with is the one?". She wasn't able to give me an answer and my mind seemed to went blank. Maybe someday I would know, or yet, I would dare to find out for myself. Marriage is something that is scaring me right now. Perhaps, the Big C is too much for me yet.

But I am really happy for Trixie and Francis, that they have found each other. I pray that the good Lord showers them with all the sweet blessings of heaven. May they keep they're love alive through the years.

I love to quote the second reading lifted from 1 Corinthians 13. Trix and Francis, may you two love each other with this kind of love:

If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things. At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.

So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

irreplaceable

***Allow me to lash, just this bit...

Irreplaceble
Beyonce Knowles
listen: http://jishinka.multiply.com/music/item/8

To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left

Mmmm to the left, to the left,
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet, thats my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, then please don't touch (don't touch)

And keep talking that mess, thats fine
Could you walk and talk, at the same time?
And its my name thats on that jag
So go move your bags, let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick, and see if shes home
Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think
I was putting you out for?

Because you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby, drop them keys
Hurry up, before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I'll have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing? nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing)
Baby i won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you)
I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep)
Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is)
Replacing you is so easy

To the left to the left
To the left to the left
MmmmmTo the left to the left
Everything you own in the box to left
To the left to the left
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout meI can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' (baby! hey yea

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You can pack all your bags we're finished
Cause you made your bed now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

into the deep

I just started my diving lessons. This is something that I have never thought I would be daring to do considering my fear of the open waters. I know how to swim but I also had my share of stories about people being taken by the big blue sea.

So, I mustered myself and off we went to Puerto Galera. We spent several days learning the principles and the technical skills needed to explore the underwater. (Well, the skills are basically to keep yourself safe in an unfamiliar place. )

When I finally get my chance to dive into the deep, I was amazed with the life down under. Colors are surprisingly vibrant and the fishes are all over. It was as if I was swimming inside a huge aquarium, only this time, this is real. Life is so beautiful and God has made an earth for us to enjoy.

We do still need to finish our lessons since we have to abort several dives because of the current. Anilao, here we come... =)

missing PAI

I'm starting to get the feel of not having work. It's fun. Exciting too since I will be doing something I've always wanted. Liberating, however getting used to doing something day in and out for a year gets you to miss it when it's practically gone.


More than anything I miss the people that I've got the chance to work with (and kid on the side...hehe)

I'll see you still guys...

cargo:

you made my stay more fun. really...=) thanks...

(i'll be uploading more pics...I just have to look for them in my desktop.)

according to jessica zafra

I got this from Kat Quijano, who used to be one of the EB members of UCSC and whom I have found to have very sound political opinions. The article below is from Jessica Zafra on how to vote and I totally agree to this. (Plus, I love Jessica Zafra's style of writing. Great.)

How to Vote
by jessica zafra

It’s really very simple.

Do not bedaunted by the sheer number of candidates vying for your vote. The fact that there are so many candidates does not mean there are too many choices, only the appearance of choice. I mean, look at them. By a simple process of elimination you can figure out whose names land in your ballot. Bear in mind that the desire to serve your country, no matter how sincere,does not in itself make you fit to hold public office. I want to play in a Wimbledon final, but am prevented by my total lack of tennis-playing ability. As for popularity, it is a qualification for winning elections,but not for doing the job (or knowing what it is). In the absence of a real party system, you have to look at the individuals. Here is a partial list ofthe candidates you cannot vote for.

A. Flaming idiots. That should get rid of at least half, and I’m being charitable.
B. The illiterate and ignorant.
C. The demonstrably inept.
D. The obviously corrupt.
E. Mayoral and gubernatorialcandidates with no managerialexperience whatsoever.
F. Senatorial wannabes and congressional aspirants who have no idea what the Constitution is.
G. Candidates with no actual plan.

You’ll find it is a very short list. Yes, we all wish we could elect thebest that the nation has to offer, butoften we have to settle for the leastatrocious of a disastrous lot.

manny pacquio in congress

Last night, I just heard from the news flash that Manny Pacquiao have finally decided to run for Congress. I do not know how to react on that, but I was trouble by the fact that he had give in into the pressure that the "Trapo’s" have been giving him.

While the other week, I read in the newspaper that Cesar Montano is in fact running for Senate too. I adore Cesar’s prowess of acting and directing. I love to see him on silver screen. However, my insides cringe by the thought of seeing him debate on the Higher House’s podium. I would know this is no drama.

The Philippine Political arena has really grown to be a circus. It was been dominated by people from the entertainment industry and the like. I strongly disagree to this, although I do not discount the fact that they too can contribute a lot to address the pressing concerns of our countrymen. I disagree because I feel that most of the opportunists are taking advantage of them as their "poster boys and girls" to perpetrate their evil plans. More so, I am not confident as to their skills in handling national concerns. I do believe that in their heart of hearts that they too have the desire to serve our motherland. But sometimes, desire is not enough to get things done. Skills are also imperative.

I love our country, The Philippines and it crushes my heart to see that the choices I have for my leaders to whom I can entrust my rights to are incredible. I value democracy and good governance. It just pains me more to know that these concepts seem oblivious to most.

I do not want to lose hope.

Hong Kong

My HK trip last 04-06 March, was a blast! We opted not to join the guided tour and it was definitely a totally different experience! We are actually left to oursleves to go around, ride the MTR, walk around the city and find our way to the various destinations we wanted to see.

Ernest's familiarity of the city helped a lot, but the thrill of using the map and figuring out which train station to take is definitely something I enjoyed. I am a traveller. Travelling is definitely a thrill, so what we had for those three days was really some I loved.

We went to Ocean Park, Victoria Peak, Disneyland and A LOT of stores! HK is famous for shopping and we did a lot of that. Sale is sale and I spent some dollars on that. The food was great too. Authentically Chinese...hehe!
More than anything, I did enjoy the company of the people I was with--Pinky, Ernest, Iona, Tina and Ellen.

Till next trip, guys!

next attraction

I will be posting my next entry soon...

HK Trip account coming next.

Please hang on.

hues and shades

a sense of belonging

I dropped by my former school's campus after a cup of coffee with some officemates. There has actually been a lot that has changed--more commercial establishments, new buildings, and faces I barely recognize. Basically, everything new, except for the memories that I kept. There wasn't any sting of nostalia whatsoever, but I just realized how I seem not to fit in it anymore. For the first time, it dawned to me that I no longer belong here. Even if the environment still seems to welcome me, I knew I should be somewhere else. Finally, I have grown from the school girl that I was to a more mature woman that I am now.

I have practically grown up in UST, not mention I was born there. And even though I deny it, it has shaped me who I am. Am proud to be Thomasian and a Dominican at that. However, a year of being detached from "home", gave me new eyes to see with--a new sense of being. My experience outside the confined walls of my alma mater gave me a broader vision of things, which made me appreciate life better. I realized that life is sweeter when you dare to taste it's bitterness; that when you dare what you think weakens you, you eventually becomes strong; that strangers can be nicer than I had perceived them to be. When I sent myself out of the shelter of my university campus, it meant a great deal to me. I was REALLY out of it. All these years, I thought that life is all about my university and what's happening in it . I failed to see what is beyond. I failed to see reality. All these years, my university life was reality--a reality which I kept so dear, that I actually do not want to let go of. Memories that I relieve now and ever. However, in life, everything just keeps on changing. I was afraid, but I knew my visit tonight assured me that I am ready to move out there. UST is sending me out with all its blessings, knowing that I was groomed to be great, because she prepared me to be one. I hope not to fail her.

I knew that I belonged in the school I practically lived in. But now, I realized I belong to a bigger world. Much more than the perimeter of my university campus. I now am growing up.

way back into love

Finally…my post for “Music and Lyrics”.

I know this has been long overdue. There are just a lot that got into the way that kept me from sitting down and tick on my computer.

The movie was ok. Not really something you’ll go gaga about. It’s one of your feel good movies featuring the handsome Hugh Grant (who by the way sings very well. Stop me, am falling more and more!) and the charming Drew Barrymore. The plot is about a struggling former boy band member, who was forced to come up with a song for a blossoming weirdo pop icon. He later worked on this with his plants water-er. Later they started liking each other and eventually they fell in love. Typical.

But more than anything, I love the OST! “Way Back Into Love” is a blast! I was hooked on it for a week, tell you. It’s the only track playing on my MP3 player. I even invited some of my girl officemates to join my obsession. I lent them my CD (Yes, I bought one!) I send out its mp3 through Bluetooth to almost everybody who asked for it. Waah! Well, for one, I just realized that the words of the song said those I cannot actually say. That’s it.

For your pleasure, you can read through the lyrics and listen to it through my Multiply site. Enjoy.

I've been living with a shadow overhead

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way
I feel I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

embracing pain

Rationalizititis (I coined this term) is a psychological condition where when one is faced with a hurtful or confusing situation, such person’s impulse is to immediately find reasons why such is happening. It seems to hasten the acceptance of the unfavorable situation. However, this is mentally and emotionally unhealthy for the person infected since he is denies himself of the opportunity of getting in touch with his emotions and his true self. Often, this results to denial (which may later lead to depression and frustration), low self-esteem, unresolved issues and emotional instability.

The person diagnosed with such should learn not to shrug his or her emotions, but instead acknowledge it, feel it, before letting it go. For worse conditions, a counselor should be seen.

I was once terminal with this disease. I never knew I was sick of rationalizing all the misfortunes that happen to me. I even proud myself for having a strong sense of understanding. Yes, it is a indeed a gift to see beyond what is presented to you, but the detriment of rationalizing things was I lost touch of my inner self. I came of a point of scolding myself when I cry because I am hurt. I usually tell myself that my problem is petty and crying isn’t going to solve it at all. Although, it may be true, but neglecting my emotions became very destructive for my well being.

Good for me that I heeded the symptoms of my sickness. I prescribed a good dose of self-love for me everyday in order to heal from my infirmity. Now, I am going through another bout of pain, I am exercising therapy by feeling every inch of it. Although, my rationalizititis starts kicking in, telling me that there are bigger concerns to cry over, I shut it out and continue on embracing my pain.

I am starting to get better now that I have owned my feelings. At least, it isn’t nagging me all the time, because I have given enough attention to it. Just like any physical wound, once it was given proper medication immediately, the faster it will heal.

I am getting better…

when i finally speak about love

Making the decision to love is only for those who are courageous.

I came from a traumatic boy-girl relationship which actually took its toll on me. I was stupid about love once in my lifetime and I vowed to be wiser after that. It's been more than a year and in a long while, filled with fear, I hid myself from the world with the hope of protecting my bruised self. My fences became my refuge believing that I am safe within them. But I did not realize that clamming up also denies me of the opportunities to love and be loved again.

I again took the leap. I freed myself as I allowed the walls to crumble. It took a while, but nonetheless, I took it conscientiously. I started to open myself up, bit by bit, to one person I felt is worthy enough to entrust my recovering heart. I knew in my heart and my mind that it was the right thing to do. However, the right thing at the wrong time isn’t the right thing after all.

Love is indeed only for the brave—those who are fearless enough to try over and over—knowing that one can never be prepared for anything; knowing that opening yourself to love means opening yourself to hurt as well. And I give myself a pat on the back for having done it again, even if things seem not to work as I expected them to. I woke up from my fantasy that things have to be perfect for me to try love once more. It’s simply about just taking one’s chances and letting love work for you. Besides, everything in life is half chance.

Love dispelled my fears, and love is now giving me consolation. Wherever this leads me, I do not know, but I am hopeful it’s going to be a happy place. I am not closing my doors, but I have to keep on opening more as I move on. Hopefully, I’ll be surprised to find you in one of them.

vday rantings

Arrggghhh! This Valentine fever is stinging me, and I despise it!

Call me a sourpuss, but the flowers and the chocolates are nauseating. I am a romantic person and I strongly believe that affection needs to be expressed. I believe that little nothings can really mean something on a special occasion. I am just like any other hopeless romantic who does feel giddy about giving gifts, most especially receiving them. However, I just find it very impractical to spend so much money on things that would later wither. Besides, during this season most prices of the sweety-itsy-bitsy things rise exponentially.

Please do not get me wrong. I also love receiving somethings from my special someone—I am sentimental too. I also believe that little nothings can really mean a whole lot on special occasions. I am just scornful that Valentine’s Day is becoming more like a fad than a day of celebrating love—and love at the truest sense of it. I feel that our society have evolved into being materialistic, where we have grown to equate love with mere provision. (We have seen this in family set-ups. But I will discuss that in a different article). Love need not be grandiose because it is already big and powerful in itself, if we will only appreciate it.

Love can be declared in a million ways and shouldn’t be hyped in one day alone. Today I realized one thing—Valentine’s day may be special but not more special than any other day. Each day of our lives is an opportunity to share and show love to those we care about. Let us learn not to limit love on flowers and chocolates or on a day alone. Let us recognize that constant expressions of love--a touch, a hug, a kiss, a smile, time and laughter shared, words of encouragement and affirmation, and several acts of service-- on ordinary situations.

flowers and traffic

Valentine's Day have became a commercial fanfare, especially so here in the Philippines. Stores are dressed in pink and red tinsels. Restaurants and bars offer so much discounts for couples who intend to celebrate the "love day" with some food and wine. Chocolates, stuffed toys and flowers are the top commodities for this week. Little nothings that spells love all over. But no matter how lovers want to express their romanticism, practicality still kicks in.

I live near the flower market known as Dangwa. It was popular ever since I remembered for its good quality flowers traded from Baguio at its very cheap prices. Over time, it has became more and more popular to many people including those who can really afford those designer flower arrangements. And since Valentine's day is nearing, (that is two days away as I write this), people start swarming to Dangwa. There are actually two times of the year when this is phenomena happens: V-day and All Soul's Day.

During these times there are just two things that I have observed whenever these come. One, the prices which used to be affordable suddenly escalate by the minute. One must have the dexterity (and the patience) to ask around to compare prices. It pays to do this for you to get the best value for your money. Be equipped with the skill to haggle. Second, traffic is a build up. Apart from the influx of consumers, cars line the sides of the main road for parking. This congests the usually cramped street all the more. I am more concerned about the second one over the first considering that I am a daily commuter. The usual 5 minute ride takes 30 minutes which actually seems forever. Hopefully, in the spirit of love we can work towards community sensitivity as well.

Nonetheless, I am amazed on how we Filipinos exert the extra effort of showing one's affections. Cheers to those who are brave enough to let the world know he is capable of sharing love.

Advance Happy Vday everyone! Spread love.

sixshots

tinsels at silver

If saying "I do" requires a leap of faith, my parents have just insanely lept all over again.

We had just celebrated the 25th wedding anniversary of my parents, Julio and Marilou. Oh! What an overwhelming sight I tell you--to see both mom and dad renewing their marriage vows! At my young age, (as I believe) I am definite marriage isn't something I am ready for. It's not a priority knowing the gruesome responsibility that I would handle in case I already part with those two BIG words. The search of the "one" is already tedious as it is and I do still have somethings I have to fulfill. However,inthis world of permissiveness, I am lucky to have parents who stood by their promise before God and man to remain faithful for richer and for poorer, in sickness and health. I hope they remain fervent to this vow till death do they part.

Ma and Pa, thanks for remaining faithful to each other despite of the complexities of our family life. You two have kept the family intact through our constant efforts and by imploring God's grace. Thank you for being a good parents and I bring back a double portion of blessings for the two of you. May the Lord continue to bless you two with a happy life.

on blogging

I always wanted to maintain a blog site where I can express and perhaps, share my thoughts and opinions about life or practically the things that I encounter from day to day. For one reason or another, I do fail to do this. Maybe it is because I do not have the luxury of time that I fail to work on my sites. Or maybe... I am just making excuses.

I do love to write. I have to admit that this is a gift I have neglected for so long. I can work up with words and the idea of clicking in letters into the screen excite me. It is only recently that I was able to acknowledge my talent. I thought, that if I am good at this, why not make it better or at the very least use it to inspire and share information and, hopefully wisdom. (Oh! Don't let me tell you the opportunities I passed...all water under the bridge)

I vow to do this more often now.

wacky in a wedding

moving out...and on

Parting is always hard.

When I finally decided that I would be leaving the company, I suddenly realized how I've actually forged relationships with several people. With this realization, leaving start to become bittersweet.

The thought of leaving behind newly made friendships creates some form of nostalgia. Yes, I grew roots here and it still pains to pull myself out However, fulfilling a dream is more important for me than anything else. I guess, this is something I owe to myself.

The thought of counting days and sharing experiences together, just seem to be more of a challenge this time. I just hope that in spite of the distance, as regards time and space, we'll manage through. I really hope.

The trade-offs of life can be very interesting.

at breakpoint

The past two weeks have been tough for me. The pressure of coming up with a decision whether to accept a job offer or to completely resign from the company took a real toll on me. I was confused more than ever! My soul was stressed, which have manifested in my health as well. I’ve been yelling out to God for help but to no avail—or so I thought. Faith tells me that during this moment, God’s grace did not and would not depart me. However, my anxiety and the turmoil in my head overwhelm me that I cannot think as straight as I should. I am vacillating from one decision to another, which isn’t a good sign.

I wrestled with God for answers. Will I take on the offer? Will I resign? Is this what I really love to do? In which path will be He bless me more? Where will I be completely happy? Amid all these parade of questions, God remained silent. Maybe, the noise inside my head deafens me. My head has been swelling with all the thinking that I have been doing. I felt so helpless with all the power that is in my hands. I have to arrive at a decision. I need to choose. My time is ticking out.

My struggle finally ended on one morning of grace. Rising from bed, without a complete sleep, I headed for the church to say confession and hear mass. I am desperate of God’s grace! I thought, maybe the reason why I can’t seem to hear God is because there is something that block my heart from heeding his call.

I arrived at the chapel right on time. I immediately proceeded to the confessional and bared my sinful self before God. I wept in sorrow and shame for offending God, neglecting myself and hurting others. It was a feat, but God’s love is overwhelming that it conquered my inequities. I clearly felt the Fatherly love of God through the soft but reprimanding words of his priest. His caring words resided in my heart and convicted me to be more faithful in pleasing God. “It is a commitment to stay away from temptation.”, his last words echo in my head. “Find joy in God, above everything else. You’re now whole, strive not to break yourself.” he added before I leave. This reminded me of how the Lord remains steadfast in blessing and loving us despite of our malevolent use of our gift of free will.

Slowly, the Lord is opening up my eyes and ears to what is most important—Him. My choices here on earth are all collateral and non-essential, if I lose sight of Him. I did lose sight of Him and I suffered the consequences. My penance was to attend the ongoing mass and stay away from sin. I stepped out from the confessional liberated. I continued to cry, but this time, it is because of the overwhelming love of God for me. I fet like a little child enveloped in the caring arms of my Father. I am amused of how magnificent and perfect God’s love is—that no matter how big the sin, he’s all ready to forgive. His love is so pure that it casts out even a trace of fear.

My tears still express pain as well. My grueling task of self-discovery isn’t over yet. I still have not reached a decision on my predicament. I continued on listening to the homily of the priest. The Gospel was about people being desperate of God’s healing. I am desperate of God’s healing too! I turned my ears to him, waiting for a word that would answer my questions. Then he said, “We desperately pray for something—each of us. Hold on to that one thing that you have always prayed for. Our God is a God of postponed blessings”. These words fell like crashing glass all over me. God heard my plea and he directed me. Jesus met me at breakpoint! How awesome! My eyes felt warm, and tears uncontrollably well out one after the other. My God is a faithful God! He answered my prayer for direction. I do have something that I have been praying for so dearly. I just now have to hold on and pursue that dream and God will bless me—not shortcuts.

I am still crying until the mass nearly ended. I cried like I never cried before. I did not care whether people stare—this is my moment with my God. I bet it pleases Him to see me run and cry to Him. My tears praise Him, a profession that His grace is more than enough. When the priest concluded the mass, I said a few more prayers of protection and firm guidance, and I walked to work. Peace started to settle in my heart and joy is brimming. I now know what to do. Ü

water and sand

Who said I do not like the beach? (O well, I did...)

I thought I was an earth person and I would not enjoy the salt water and the sand. Surprisingly, my beach escape last weekend gave me a different treat! I was soothed by the blowing wind, crashing waves and fine sand. I welcomed the warmth of the sun and found refuge among the rocks. The water has it's calming effects on my tired body as well.

I did enjoy watching people and taking pictures. Here are some:

paloy says "I do"

Finally, my (soul) sister found his Prince charming. It set me into tears when I saw her walk down the aisle of Caleruega's Transfiguration Chapel. Everything was perfect and sweet that day and I am hopeful that it lasts until death parts them. Loi, you were a beautiful bride, trust me!

I pray that both of them share a lifetime of bliss. May they be blessed with children that will spice up their lives.

wanted: mayor, city of manila

I was leafing through the daily paper this morning when I learned that Panfilo "Ping" Lacson and Rosebud are at odds for the mayoralty post of Manila in next year’s local elections. I also heard rumors that Borgy Manotoc and Manny Pacquiao vying for the same position.

I cannot help but raise my eyebrows and shake my head in utter disbelief (add to that a smug). It is not the surprising disbelief how these people still have that guts to run for office but that frustrating disbelief how the political race in this country has became a career.
Allow me to just deliver my comments on these two rivals.

Who will not know Panfilo Lacson? This political nemesis has always in the forefront of several anti-administration campaigns. He once vied for the highest seat in the government. He was also elected as a legislator, after years of service in the police force.

Lacson’s battle cry is HOPE (Health, Order, Peace and Education) for the Manileño’s. If elected to office he will combat graft and corruption so as to uplift the image of the local government. Hallelujah, it is if this isn’t lip service! With all the benefit of the doubt, at least, there is one good soul in the government. I hope that this "HOPE" won’t turn out to be bleak.

He says that his running for office is the will of God after receiving a call from an unidentified man in the cloth. How blasphemous can that be! I am in no position to question each person’s appreciation of God’s signs and how God speaks to each of us but I suggest that we refrain from dragging God’s name in our filthy politicking. Please do not get me wrong. I am a woman of faith and my theology is that God has a hand in every area of our lives. I am just wary about the idea that God is being used as a pawn in this board game. I think that if one really finds in his heart that he is called for public service, it is best that he’d be man enough to take upon himself that responsibility without "name dropping".

However, if this is his means of preparing his way to run as President in 2010 National Elections, I just can’t say more. Veteran, he is.

Rosebud on the other hand, was the popular State witness in a case linking Lacson to illegal drugs and kidnapping some years back. I do not know her personally except for what I read in the papers, but I can trust my instincts that she isn’t fit to be in office. And for all it’s worth, I would not risk the leadership of my city to a neophyte. I doubt if she ever had a background in public governance, to which I will define as the "wild".

In an article today in Inquirer, she said that Ping’s decision of running forces her to run as well. I cannot follow such logic. Why would one run only because an antagonist is? Public office isn’t supposed to be a competition. If her messianic instincts are alarming her, let me remind her that super heroes aren’t real—and she can’t be one. She doesn’t possess super powers and she isn’t a god(dess) or at least a demi-god. I suppose she’s been spending much of her time in front of the TV. I am coming to the conclusion that she’s just using next year’s local elections as an opportunity for her to thicken the plot of her opposition of Ping. Her telenoleva-ic psyche seems to overtake her that she projects herself as the "doormat bida" and all the others as the villains, whose mission in life is to ruin her. As she puts it, "this is personal", which to my opinion is not a very good motive to run for office.

I have seen a lot of people scurrying their way into the political limelight—most of them local cinema actors, athletes, and in my judgment, those others not eligible to hold public office. Fellowmen, this isn’t reality TV (I should write another article on that), THIS IS REAL LIFE. No wonder everyone seems to be oblivious why government seems to malfunction. Yes, it’s neither the educational background nor the social status that matters in public service but a little background on the political system would help. And although, I agree that everyone should be entitled to equal opportunity in serving in the government, not everyone is necessarily worthy to be one.

I hope that our electorate would be more educated and wise in picking our leaders. To the few who gets to read this piece of my thoughts, please remember that democracy is the rule of all. Let us realize how much power we have in our hands; that each vote is an exercise of our identity and a delegation of our inherent power as members of the State.This few whom we have entrusted our rights to are in turn expected to render us some service. Let us be cautious to whom we give that power, so that it may be used for the good of many and not the perpetration of the selfishness of a few.

a charmed life

"No earthly prince can wake her, now it's our turn to cry, carelesly we wept whilst her graceful spirit soared arrow straight, into a most glorious morning sky" - from a note of condolence left with flowers at Kensington Palace

It was 1985 when I first saw her. My aunt from London brought me a memorabilia from her wedding. She was in her elegant wedding dress and was wrapped in the arms of her prince. I never had a clue that she was real. All along, I thought that the princess in the picture was just one of those princesses in my fairy tale story books. At my young age, I already admired her. Her smile seemed like a radiance of joy. Her blue, expressive eyes communicated love (perhaps, bliss at the time of the photo). She exuded an aura of warmth. I wanted to be like her. Perhaps, one was because of the gown, but more than that, there was something in her I can't seem to explain, but I do admire. Perhaps her person.

There was not much that I heard from her, except from the stories that I hear from my aunt whenever she comes home from England. I did hear that her marriage fell apart, which though I did not pay much attention to, bothered me a little. Seemed like her fairy tale did not end the way it normally should.

In 1997, my heart broke when I learned that she lost her life due to a car crash in Paris. I hope she'd live, but that may be too much for a happy ending. Diana's life was always coveted for--the fame and the power; the glitter and the glamour. Although, in reality it wasn't a fairy tale after all. Nevertherless, I do admire her strength and simplicity. More than anything I salute her courage for standing by her principles amid the pressure of all the people around her. Whilst the whole world is amused by the role that she plays in the fairy tale that is they make us believe, she struggled to be herself. Despite the turmoils, she managed to play her parts well--as a mother, as a member of the royal family--and was beloved by humanity.

Indeed, her life was likened to a fairy tale, although not much on the happily-ever-after.
To the lady, whom I once admired, may you have found your place. May peace rest in you, wherever you are, far from conformity and judgment.

striking out

Tonight is the opening of the bowling tourney at work. We're up against the red team (by the way, we're the jeresey-ed in blue.) Score is 4-2. And we're up, by around 50 points total. Hah! ;) I love my team. They are all so good, making up for all my misses. Hahaha!

It's real fun being with people at work during these kinds of gathering. Everything's relaxed. No pressures. No hierarchy. No bosses. Hehe! All but plain fun.

I really hope we make it to the finals. So I better practice my swings...

going french

I am learning French, finally! Although, this has been a longtime wish, I hadn't really decided on sitting down and actually studying the language until an officemate invited me to enroll in a French Class, since according to her, she's bored. I though it would be fun so I agreed. That weekend, I started searching the internet for free french class and voila! I had the things I needed. I thought of learning things by myself first before enrolling in a language school. Besides, that is already way too costly. I also thought that the schooling will be a lot more fruitful if I already know a few vocabulary and little on grammar.

I now know a bit of the basics. (When I said that, I meant that it's really BASIC as it waaaayyy too basic..hehe!). For any consolation, I now know a few greetings. I also know my numbers: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. six. sept. huit, neuf et dix.

French is not easy in the sense that you don't write the words down as you say it. Spelling is a challenge so as the pronunciation which is very nasal. (My toungue is getting stiff actually...) I hope I do well on this one. (Read how my numbers are to be said: uh(n), du, thrwah, kaht, sahnk, sees, seht, weet, nef, deez)

That's all for tonight, I guess.

Bonne Nuit! =)

heaven's sweet blessings